Happy New Year Everyone! I survived ten days of being out and about.
Now I am perplexed. I met someone very special a couple of weeks ago, mind you it was an interesting scenario, it didn't go further than conversation and I could slowly feel the wall around my heart being chipped away like a sculptor as he starts working on a new piece of stone. Things take time, things with me just can't be rushed. I am an introvert that only comes out when her inner Goddess is summoned to glorify her existence. I always hide behind my camouflage of smiles in public when deep down I would rather be sitting at home writing my heart out, cooking for those I love, dancing around the house to the deep beats of NIN, immersing myself in a mindless movie to forget my awkward social anxieties or holding someone so close after making love and I can feel their heart beat in time with my own.
You see I am a rare breed, suffering from both anxiety and depression from PTSD is like living inside a personal hell. It takes a special person to see it for what it is and hold my hand through the storm and reassure me it'll be over soon. I am a runner and a pusher, I run away when taunted and never take the time to justify my reactions so i push you away so you don't find out my secret. It is easier for me to hide then walk into a room with my head held high and my light shining bright. I've shined like the north fucking star these past few weeks. Something or someone lit me on fire and it felt good. Then it stopped, out of nowhere, no reasoning, no explanation. Dead silence like a deluge of water that extinguished the raging fire with no warning. WTF!
Maybe I need to jaunt about town tonight and drink a cocaine rimmed espresso martini to allow me to dance my demons out like a coven of seductive pagans during a full moon. Maybe I should just stay home and over think this shit some more placing the blame solely on me as I have done so many times before. When someone doesn't take the leap of faith to get to know another's soul it becomes their loss.
In some cases I wish I could be like the person Trent Reznor's lyrics "I'm drunk and right now I'm so in love with you, and I don't want to think too much about what we should or shouldn't do. Lay my hands on heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars while the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car. Nothing quite like the feel of something new," Maybe that is the only time I feel alive, Maybe meaningless, random encounters are the answer as so many of my sistas have told me. Unattached emotionally, physically satisfied but still void of any depth...that's not who I am. I am a one man woman. The stress of multiple engagements would send me over the edge like a broken cuckoo clock stuck on midnight.
Relationships are like wine, it takes time to develop legs, intensity, depth and substance.
Much like an avocado I start out hard and in need of being slowly ripened. Give it some time and you find the soft meat under the thick skin is as smooth as butter and the heart is big.
My recipe is for my Avocado Poblano Soup. This can be served hot or cold kind of like me.
Tasty Tastings Everyone!!!
Sheri's Heart Avocado Poblano Soup
Makes 10 servings
1 pound poblano chiles, washed, seeded and coarsely chopped (skin on)
2 carrots, washed, peeled and roughly chopped
1 white onion, peeled and roughly chopped
2 tablespoons canola oil
1 clove garlic, minced
1/3 cup flour
1/2 gallon (8 cups) fresh chicken stock
2 avocados, halved, seeded and peeled (pebbly-skinned brown-black Hass are preferred)
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
1 cup heavy cream
Pepper, to taste
Salt, to taste
Corn tortillas, cut in strips and fried in hot oil, for garnish
Instructions: In large stock pot, sauté poblanos, carrots and onion in canola oil over medium heat for 5 minutes. Add garlic and sauté 1 minute. Add flour, mix well and saute for 5 more minutes. Stir occasionally.
Add chicken stock and mix well. Simmer over medium low heat for 30 minutes. Remove from heat and add avocado. Puree with wand blender or in batches in blender. Add cilantro and cream, and blend until thoroughly mixed. Add salt and pepper to taste.
Serve warm or chilled, topped with fried corn tortilla strips.
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