I am FREE! Free from the burden of the constant thoughts of what I could have done differently to change an inevitable outcome. How absolutely liberating. It just now happened in a split second with something so simple as looking at today's date. Wow! I feel this renewed sense of being and happiness is an overwhelming positive rush of emotion and euphoria like an addict getting high for the first time after getting out of a three year stint in rehab. Emotions are often difficult to explain, at least mine are. It amazes me that sometimes I can come up with something so profound to explain myself but my anxiety won't let me do anything about it. Someone called me a rock and then I told someone else that I am nothing more than a bunch of well thought out, strategically placed pebbles and that if one was disrupted it would ruin the integrity of the rest and they would crumble. How in the hell do I explain THAT!? You see my pebbles represent my many emotions....fear, lust, anger, sorrow, joy, pain, the rest you know. If I allow my emotions to disrupt the integrity of my foundation then the world will see I am not a rock after all. Well I can't let that happen, nope not me, I am every bit of the rock I have proven to be, I think. I am strong and externally fearless but internally I cower like a child waiting for the monsters to come out from under the bed. I need a flashlight, a beacon perhaps to guide me through the long dark nights and protect me from the demons lurking in the corners of my mind. I got this! I think.
Oh my mind! When I am in my kitchen I express my emotions through my recipes, my technique and my plating. When I am in the studio I express my emotions by the color palette I chose and the brush strokes on the canvas. When I sing I get to belt out the undigested pain in my gut. You see I have found outlets for releasing my emotions that very few understand but I express them to you every time I make another entry to my blog, yet another release. This is all expression of the mind and mine is pretty complex so I need many outlets to release suppressed emotion.
Touch me dammit!!!! Physical touch is an important expression of emotion. The satisfying feeling you get when you care about someone and they gently stroke your arm or the small of your back as they guide you through a doorway. The passion of a kiss from someone that has a piece of your heart always, and that you may really want to go to another level of physicality but refrain because you know the timing isn't right and may never be, and as bad as it hurt, you know you did the right thing. But still you wonder and question your decision. Then there is the physical pain of wanting to hold someone in your arms but they're not physically there and you feel lost and confused about it and you question the entire reality of it all. But I am a self admitted over thinker, I wish I could control that! Someday perhaps.
The Eyes are the Windows of the Soul.....wow that is a powerful connection. Knowing someone is one thing but when you look deep into their eyes you see their emotions or lack thereof. You see everyone that ever touched them, the joy they hold of thoughts of those who once loved them or the constant sorrow of remembering those that hurt them and shattered their hearts. You see all of the emotion they have for you so vividly expressed without having to speak a word. To me it is the most intimate form of expression, a corneal orgasm of sorts. Holding someone tightly while swaying to a beloved song and seeing the colorful flecks dance in their eyes is arousing and inviting. It allows the souls to unite and entwine into a tumultuous affair of their respective inner beings.
Sometimes I think that I want to be reincarnated as a crab.....I am serious. Their mating rituals are so basic. The female molts her shell and makes welcoming gestures in response to the male crab doing a happy dance, waving his claws back and forth and kicking up some sand...and then they fuck for a few days. That's it! No real emotions to deal with and when it's done you turn them both into soup. We humans are so deep and full of eccentricities and we can't do anything simple. I think some of us even look for the hardest ways of doing things, expect the worst from ourselves and others and we never look on the brighter side of the street for fear of being blinded by what truths we may see. I say fuck it I wanna be a crab and be devoured and enjoyed and not have a care or emotion in the world.
Tasty Tasting Everyone!
- 3 T butter
- 1/2 onion, chopped
- 2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
- 4 celery stalks, finely chopped
- 2 carrots, finely chopped
- 1 cup white wine - I tend to use Riesling or Sauvignon Blanc
- 2 1/2 cups chicken stock
- 1 1/2 cups corn kernels
- pinch cayenne pepper - VERY IMPORTANT!
- 2 tsp dried mixed herbs - I usually just throw in some parsley, oregano and basil, but thyme is good to - just whatever you've got handy
- 1 1/2 cup heave whipping cream
- 1 tsp fresh Tarragon leaves
- 16 oz crab meat
- Fresh Ground Pepper to taste
- Melt butter in a large pot. Add onion, garlic, celery, and carrot. Cook over medium heat, stirring occasionally for 5 minutes or until softened.
- Increase heat to medium-high. Pour in the wine and cook for 2 minutes, until the alcohol has evaporated. Pour in the stock and bring to a boil. Add corn, cayenne, dill, and mixed herbs. Bring back to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for 15 minutes.
- Add the cream and simmer gently over low heat for 10-15 minutes. Do not let the soup boil.
- Stir in the crab meat and season to taste with salt and pepper. Heat gently for 3-4 minutes. Serve with a good crusty bread and a splash of Cream Sherry