Need to vent!!!! Here we go.
For some reason I am looking for my monsters tonight. I don't know if it's to deal with the confusion in my brain right now, the wrenching of my gut or if it's just that they need to play for awhile. I have been blocked today, I put out a crappy blog earlier I think and now I need to resurrect some demons and maybe throw a fiery recipe at you later. So here I sit with you tonight, eating really good left over sushi and drinking a Daringly Dark (that what is says on the label) Blueberry Acai juice and thinking it's time for them to get out and play................
We all sit and wonder why and how things get so fucked up. We have to ask ourselves what roles did we play in making this happen and how do we fix it. Some of us just quit and non-exist like I did a few months ago or some of us try as we realize we have no other choice but to carry on like I realize now. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that place again, drowning in the churning waters of the tears I shed. Being a non-entity and having to fake a smile wherever I would venture. It was a hard existence but I muddled through. I remember not getting dressed for two days at a time and just watching endless episodes of Dexter. The Ice Truck Killer, Lila, The Skinner, and John Lithgow's amazing Rita killing, Trinity Killer, I watched Dexter Morgan unleash his demons on them with such passion that it made my blood boil with arousal. I barely remember the friends that came to visit and tell me it was going to be alright. It was a painful time in my life filled with anger and hatred towards myself. But why? I have a great life, great friends a great career, why? I don't think I can ever answer that honestly to anyone but myself. I have bottled up my demons and every now and then I have to ask for their help in protecting me from whatever pain I am trying to avoid. Death, despair, friendships imploded by jealousy, being alone, trying to understand.............myself. What is so fucking wrong with me?
I am an alright person, I am a great mother and chef and I have a full life in the music business. Sure I don't sleep when I'm home I stay up and work on recipes and writing until I can't hold my head up any longer and pass out on the couch because god knows I damn sure don't want to sleep in that bed. I get maybe 3 hours of sleep when I'm home and the nights scare me so I wait until dawn to lay my head down. I want to walk out on the beach to scream like a mermaid being plucked out of the water against her will to relieve frustrations. I have never done it because I seem to find myself climbing in my tiny shower and sitting in the corner and crying my heart out where no one will find me.
But on the bright side I have fun!!! I balance everything so well I can go out and enjoy my musician friends and their glorious talent with no regret as to any issues in my life. The hard driving, soul shaking beats make my heart beat in their time. I find my greatest escape is within those walls where the music brings life to my soulless self. I let down my game face after the first set and from then on it's a vacation from everyday life into the world of my musician friends and I LOVE IT!!! That's when the demons get unleashed and play, they build up strength from the riveting beats to shield my heart and soul and protect me from those that trespass against me. They fill my insides with their glowing light of fiery attitude and frivolous spirit, and no one can ever take that from me. It is my desire and need to let them play every now and then or my brain would implode from thinking too much. My demons help keep my heart from being the sacrificial lamb I wrote about 3 weeks ago. They keep my thoughts in check and organize them in such a way the next morning I wake up with a clean slate. So there is nothing wrong with my demons being unleashed every now and then as long as I keep them at bay when they aren't needed for survival.
My demons also help me deal with intimacy at all levels by making me a facade of strength when my guard is down. They help me hide my imperfections and disguise my heart so no one can break it. They shield my soul so no one can strip it bare and leave it in pieces on the ground. Sometimes they are not there and I let someone in at my own risk. No protection or disguise, just the shell of a heart and selfless soul left in the open for yet another round of fuck with my head. Not always the case but the last go round was pure hell and I never want to go back there again.
So tonight I wanted to write and put this out there. I needed to vent some frustrations and give you a look inside my head. I am always the goddess but sometimes it's nice to take a walk on the wild side.
Good Night Friends! Tasty Tastings Everyone
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