This entry is not part of my book or has anything to do with my passion, it is a work from the dark soul I slowly become when wronged or judged or both due to the lack of whatever in my life that is missing. As a writer I always have to pull inspiration from everyday life and experiences. I have to pull out the fears and demons inside to tackle those issues that really make you say WTF! Although I will not go into detail about what happened I always try to take the bad and turn it into something good. I have faded to black today. I am blocked and lost. Who can and will save me and pull me out of this place? Sadly no one only myself as I am the only one i can count on to pick me up when I fall ........so this is what I have come up with today.
Yes I started early but hell it's Sunday and who is going to judge me in my own home where I guiltlessly spill my soul to you. I have been through alot in my life and I have overcome these obstacles that hold most people back and give them excuses for not pushing forward. I have taken my frustrations out on other people at times but it never makes me feel better and it makes them feel worse. I truly apologize to them for that but hey it's me and my dark side. My dark side lingers within, patiently waiting to take control of my life but I will never let that happen. I have control over it as it lays in wait for the right time and place to rear it's angry, soulless, guiltless head. So this is where I let it come and touch your soul. It is the worst feeling in the world being judged for who you are and are trying to be when all you do is mean well. My dark side again lays in wait for the next move but yet I still won't turn over control to the angry monster lurking for revenge. Revenge is nothing more than the ugliness of life dictating your next move. Why bother when there are so many good attributes to this world and it's people. It's nothing more than a cop out for not dealing with the inevitable demons in the world. Some within but most billowing outward toward to you like a fierce and enraged sea ready to engulf you in it's tragic waters. I will not drown but swim as hard and as furious as I can to regain control and make my way to shore. I do not worship to any God as I know that he is not listening to me. I have lost loved ones that meant so much to me that I actually didn't think that I could bare to live without them. I could never understand religion as a practice as everything comes from with in us. We create our own fate! We create what happens to us just about every minute of the day. I do believe in the power of prayer and the good forces of nature it can create to heal and repair those in need...hey whatever it takes to make things right again. But who do I pray to?
When I watched my beautiful nephew Zane die of cancer at 5 years old I lost faith. I tried hard to regain it but I could never believe that if there was a God he could do that to my sister and take her boy. I watched her suffer and self destruct and turn to her dark side to kill the pain and slowly die inside as we all did. I still re-live that year like it was yesterday and it is embedded in my soul like a hot poker sticking in my gut. The evilness of cancer and how it rips worlds apart is the true devil. It created a chasm in my life that has yet to be filled or understood. The pain and helplessness of losing my friends Kevin and Eve and my mother to this fucking disease ripped my heart out in so many ways as they did nothing to deserve this, much like when Zane died. I was at their bed sides when they passed holding their hands and watching them take their last breath. I understand death as I have seen it firsthand and watched in curiosity as to see if there was a light or a shadow or a chill. Watching what this disease did to those I love dearly that were left behind disgusts me and makes me want to spit in it's face, if cancer were a person I would go hunt it down and turn my dark side unto it and destroy every trace of it's curse on humanity.
So now I must take that destructive energy I have inside towards this disease and feed my dark side into submission again. I must let go of the heartless, cowardly actions that were done to me last night and turn it around and change it, reverse it, do it again? No I don't think so, I will just keep living and whatever happens happens as I must look out the windshield and not the rear view mirror. Will I pray on it? hell no! What is is meant to be and if not we'll see. We create our fate in just about every aspect of life besides the ones we can't control. That's it..the darkness has passed and I feel the light shining down again and filling my soul with happiness. Sometimes it only takes a keyboard, Capt. Morgan and my friends. Love to all!
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